Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Guest Column: So you're thinking of dating a mono...

Here is a post written by a good friend of mine who is monogamous and also dating a poly.  I had to nod my head, even while I chuckled at this...

So you are thinking of dating a mono?

Here’s one mono person’s perspective on some basic tips to make an informed decision.

First ask yourself why would you do this in the first place. I mean Jeezuz, you’ve read the stories on here…now go smack yourself and find a Poly!…kidding, kidding.

Are you hoping to convert the mono? Some people are conditioned to be monogamous and will welcome a different approach to relationships, others are hard wired for it and will generate more red tape then the government at tax time.

Have you fallen in love with them and are willing to take on a huge challenge? Seriously, snake charming and croc wrestling might seem easier after going down this road.

Are you open poly or the poly-fi sort of person? (this is a biggy, so be honest and up front right away)

What are your relationship goals? Looking to build a network of romances, wanting a long-term partner to share life with, just want to roll in the hay occasionally…that sort of thing. (Science has proven that a mono can in fact roll just as well as a poly given the right consistency of hay)

Next ask your potential mono partner a few basic questions.

What are their relationship goals. It doesn’t have to be their expectations until death, but at least realistic. This will protect both of you. Believe it or not, some mono people will prey on the loving nature of Poly people to achieve another sexual conquest…because it’s all about sex….KIDDING! These types would be great for a friend with benefits or one night stand but could hurt you deeply if you fall for them. On the flip side, if they are looking for an inevitable traditional marriage or family you don’t want to give false hope. Monos can be really whiny when you switch things up on them.

Have they had other substantial relationships before? Poly experience would be great but the essential experience of being with another mono is paramount. Otherwise they will probably suffer the “grass is greener” syndrome. Signs of this syndrome include saying “fuck this shit”, “what the fuck am I doing” and “I wish I was Cinderella”. (This last one even scares the shit out of monos!)

So, why is identifying what poly means to you important? Some people have found poly through the love of one additional person. The multiple nature of this relationship is specific to include an individual and not out of pursuing a “way of loving”. This is a much more stable and adaptive situation for a mono in my opinion. Yes, they will be sharing their partner with another or perhaps established others, but they have a sense of calm and stability that monos crave like a single scoop of vanilla icecream!
In an open relationship ("Poly with a chance of more balls" ….there’s a book and movie out..ohhh wait now, that’s not the bad) the constant thought of when and who will be entering your life, and therefore their life, will be a damaging drain on most monos.
Don’t assume that the mono will understand your approach to poly. Explain it to them…slowly, like your talking to some one in a foreign country who will ultimately wonder what is wrong with you. Speed it up damn it! You’re English is still English!

So there you have it…tips to date a mono in a nutshell…ok, maybe two nutshells. But not four or six or whatever other number of nutshells..just two.

1 comment:

  1. A very good and entertaining post on the poly/mono issue. It is always difficult for both a poly person and a mono person to make it work since their outlook on relationships is so different. I have personally found many mono-women are looking for a 100% "ever after" relationship and my poly ways at best can offer them just 50%, and therefore the words "If you were only single" are mentioned a lot.

    But, some mono people can successfully be in a relationship with a poly person, it just takes the same honesty and openness as a poly relationship takes to make it all work.


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