Saturday, May 2, 2009

how we talk about poly

We had a great discussion on April 30th about different forms polyamory can take and how we talk about this to others. In examining different kinds of structures poly relationships can take, the group ended up exploring the idea of whether or not structure itself was less important than the idea of being clear about needs and intentions while being flexible with the forms relationships take naturally.

It was a VERY stimulating evening! I was especially amazed and amused that one new member arrived at the meeting not because she'd read about it online or heard from a friend, but because she was looking for the person who'd locked their bike to hers, and after hearing we were talking about poly, sat down and joined in the discussion -- a perfect working example of remaining open and flexible!

Some of the topics we touched upon (some of them in great depth) were:

- structure versus "no structure"

- polyamory and polyfidelity

- relationships between polyamorous people and monogamous people

- deconstructing fears in order to provide reassurance when needed (a great tip!)

- freedom found in not needing one person to fulfill every role for us (or in us not needing to fulfill this in others)

- a discussion of whether there was value in perdetermining a poly structure versus allowing that structure to develop organically and naturally

- how to let go, be flexible and deconstruct our previous assumptions about relationships; being a "warrior of the heart"

- not turning a blind eye to the negative aspects or pitfalls of complex poly relationship structures

Finally, I want to share a favourite quote of mine from the evening:

"I choose definitions to fit my relationships rather than making relationships fit definitions."

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