Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Meet your moderator



Ok folks, I've been remiss in posting last month's workshop notes (the workshop I missed because I was away at a Polycamp near Olympia, WA) so I figured that while I organize myself to get those up on the blog, I'd distract you with a bit of a bio about me: your moderator/facilitator for Victoria Poly 101. (Hey, they say write about what you know... )

I've been consciously polyamorous for about five years. I have all kinds of relationships that are important to me and many people who I love, some of whom I consider close enough to be "family". I have a partner who lives very far away, in another country, who I see in person rarely but with whom I talk every day online. I have another partner who lives in a city not-too-far away, who is married and whose wife is very special to me as a friend. I try to spend as much time as possible with both of them. I also have teenage kids, who I love a lot, and a husband who I live apart from but who is still a part of my family. I have a fantastic poly community and friends -- in fact, I am REALLY lucky!

I didn't start out with the intention of being a poly facilitator or activist or anything of the kind. You could, I guess, call me an explorer and someone who loves the the ways in which we are different from each other as much as the ways in which we're the same. I found out about polyamory online and I joined a few communities and started attending poly meets all over North America (it's a fun way to travel and meet friends). I went to Texas, Washinton (State), and Vermont, as well as Vancouver and Kelowna, British Columbia to meet new poly friends and learn what they had to say about how they live and love.

When I moved to Victoria two years ago, I was a part of the Vancouver Island Poly group and had been enjoying participating in their community, and I also felt there was an opportunity for me to provide some information on poly to the community at large, to encourage people to learn about what polyamory means and what it doesn't mean, and to find out more about the local community I was living in. This is how Victoria Poly 101 started... it sort of makes my head spin to think how easily and amazingly the group has taken off, and what a supportive poly-friendly community we're growing into.

This summer, I was asked to lead several discussions in Victoria, Kelowna and at the Olympia, WA camp, and all of them showed me that there is a growing poly presence that is eager, open and inclusive as well as diverse in the kind of people it represents. It's exciting to see Real Live Poly People honestly working at having good relationships, good communication, and creating an abundance of love and goodwill in the process. It's also educational to share struggles, challenges and stories with those who have been polyamorous for a long time.

In the end, I guess I'm just thrilled to be here, learning and loving along with the rest of you. Thank you very much for listening, and for asking all the good questions you keep asking.

~Kiki

Thursday, September 3, 2009

next poly 101, Sept. 24th: Poly Pride!

Thursday, September 24, 2009
6:30pm - 9:30pm
Camas Bookstore    
corner of Kings and Quadra Streets    
Victoria, BC

Why are you proud to be polyamorous? Now that the weather's getting cooler, we need to warm up, so come and share moments you are proud of, whether it's time with a partner, the support of friends or family, or simply a personal goal you've met related to poly. We should be proud of who we are and the choices we make, and this is an opportunity to share it with our community!

HPM = Happy Poly Moment

Monday, August 10, 2009

August Victoria Poly 101 discussion

Working with exercises from Easton's "The Ethical Slut"

Guest facilitators will lead the group through some of the exercises in the new "Ethical Slut". The meeting will be potluck, as usual. Be prepared to break into smaller groups for the discussion.

Date:
Thursday, August 27, 2009

Time:
6:30pm - 9:30pm

Location:
Camas Bookstore

Street:
corner of Kings and Quadra Streets

City/Town:
Victoria, BC

July Victoria Poly 101 discussion: Poly Dating

We had a VERY lively discussion last month about the topic of poly dating.  We started out talking about how to meet compatible people (focusing not just on poly but also on other common likes and activities and interests).  We also discussed the importance of having a Real Life community as opposed to only an online one.  The question of when to bring up the topic of poly during a date (or at what point in the dating process) brought consensus with the idea that you should try to find out if the person is at least poly compatible as soon as possible (and definitely before sex)!  It was interesting to note that the group was divided on whether it was more important to date ONLY poly people or that everyone was simply up-front, honest and comfortable with their relationship preferences. 

The topic of couples looking for poly "unicorns" or "hot-bi-babes" to date together as a couple was touched on, as was dating for the purposes of creating a polyfidelitous relationship.  As an exercise, I asked each member of the group to list one dating "rule" or an important dating guideline or condition (since not everyone likes the idea of rules!) that they use.  It was a great list!  Here it is:

- consent
- sexual safety
- just being open to connections forming rather "dating" consciously or purposefully
- honesty/trust
- no "klingons"!  (eg. clingy people, not Trekkies :P)
- polyfidelity
- communication
- self-knowledge
- disclosure (general)
- nothing that would harm the kids
- disclosure about dating others & mutual decision-making
- emotional honesty
- common interests
- courage
- hotness!
- poly-only (or poly-interested)
- self-honesty
- new person needs to be ok with current partners and get along with them
- similar ideologies
- check out partner's families and how they treat them; new people need to fit into the culture that we've already developed
- curious about sex
- ok with other genders
- want partners' partners to know about me
- feminist
- friendship first
- accept lifestyle
- no shallow people
- won't lie about poly
- knowing when to be flexible with rules
- no predetermined restrictions or veto
- won't be a "secondary"
- won't date a couple
- no rules
- won't date anyone who will hurt current partners
- want to be best friends with who I date
- they must get along with my friends and family


Finally, we discussed (at the end of the meeting!) the definition of "dating" and how the word is used differently by people.  Does dating mean sex? romance? a relationship?  going out to do stuff? When is "coffee" a date?  We had quite a long debate about whether or not ambiguity about friendly coffee dates and a sexual/romantic interest date was a good or bad thing.  Some people like ambiguity, some like clarity!  In the end, we concluded that poly people, while still romantic, also like to talk a lot about feelings and intentions and it's probably a good idea, when in doubt, to ask. 

***************

Here's the handout I provided with a brief list of poly dating resources:


Online poly dating sites:

The Big Ones (you'll meet local people but also people all over North America or even the World on these sites)

polymatchmaker.com (worldwide:  excellent discussion forums)
Okcupid (worldwide but easily customizable for local matches; some discussion forums to talk about poly; good matching quizzes if you like that sort of thing)
Plentyoffish (not really poly but there is a poly presence; plenty of locals)

Local poly dating

polypairing (Victoria google group)

Other sites that have large poly presence but are not necessarily dating sites but where you can likely meet polyfriendly people (watch out when approaching people here for dates, as some of these are information forums and are best used to make friends and ask questions):

tribe (various national and local poly groups)
fetlife (bdsm oriented but there are several poly forums, some of them local)
polyamory community on livejournal
local yahoo groups and livejournal communities (search for place name)
facebook groups
GLBT groups
burning man groups and communities