weekend poly workshop: polyamory and diversity

This weekend I helped present a workshop at the University for the Queer Youth Conference (sponsored by AIDS Victoria). One of the Victoria Poly 101 members who is also on the UVic Pride team asked for my input, and together she and I assembled a really comprehensive hour and a half of information, demonstration and discussion on the ins and outs of poly within the context of society at large.

Several other members of Victoria Poly 101 agreed to attend as panelist speakers, and the mix of diverse poly backgrounds was illuminating and entertaining to listen to. I think we managed to cover a LOT of angles in a short time!

Key points discussed were:

- the importance of communication and negotiation

- boundaries

- jealousy and self-knowledge

- differing kinds of intimacy and how they can ALL fit into poly

- how one can be poly and still incorporate traditional spirituality or ethics

- raising children in a poly family

- poly in a political and societal context

As a demonstration, I brought a small collection of relevant books, a big pile of stuffed parrots ;P and a chart I had made illustrating the network of connections in my own life, including my lovers, my children, my biological family, my "heart" family of choice, my metamours and even my pets! I was even able to add one of the panel members to my chart when she informed me that HER partner was dating a partner of MY partner... the possibilities for connection (and the need for openness) are truly limitless!

The attendees of the workshop ranged from high school age to adult, with varying knowledge and experience levels of polyamory. Questions asked and issues raised by the audience were insightful and articulate. Overall, it was a pleasure to attend and present at this conference and I look forward to seeing many of the same people again at future diversity events!

great introductory poly video

a short poly booklist

Essentials/ones I've read and recommend personally:

Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits : Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships, Deborah M. Anapol

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful, Anthony Ravenscroft

The Polyamory Handbook: A User's Guide, Peter J. Benson

Ones I'd like to read/have had recommended to me:

Spiritual Polyamory, Mystic Life

The Sex and Love Handbook: Polyamory! Bisexuality! Swingers! Spirituality! (& even) Monogamy! A Practical Optimistic Relationship Guide, Kris A. Heinlein and Rozz M. Heinlein
The Lesbian Polyamory Reader: Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Casual Sex, Marcia Munson

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, Tristan Taormino

Others you might want to consider:

Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage, Jenny Block

The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People, David P. Barash

The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to SLEEPING WITH THREE, Vicki Vantoch

Better have this handy, in case someone asks...

Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert A. Heinlein

notes from 24/03/09 poly 101: boundaries and negotiations

We had a fantastic poly discussion at our March meet, with almost twice the number of participants from the first meeting, in a wonderful space at Camas. I for one was delighted to meet so many diverse yet articulate and thoughtful people and to hear what all of you had to say about some very sensitive and tricky boundary issues. I also really enjoyed hearing about everyone's varied poly backgrounds and experiences. I can't wait for the next meet, which I'll announce for next month as soon as I figure out a date that works. I'm going to try to rebook at Camas for the time being since the space (and the yummy potluck) was so conducive to safe, relaxed conversation. I'm also considering ordering a poly uniform, possibly consisting of polyestery polypants and "Got Compersion?" t-shirts. Go, us!

I'm including some very brief notes from our discussion, mostly because although I meant to take actual notes I found I was enjoying listening raptly to what everyone said, so couldn't be bothered to write it down. Please feel free to post and add bits of what you remember to this.
We discussed what boundaries are: Are they rules? guidelines? flexible or dealbreakers? It was agreed that poly people like shades of grey.

How do we communicate boundaries? By setting aside specific time, picking good times to talk, continual communication and checking in and by being self-aware and flexible (because needs and opinions can change over time).

What boundaries work for you? Tailoring to each relationship, knowing our own needs and stating them clearly, working with a spectrum of responses to an issue, and the importance of firm boundaries so that everyone knows where they stand. Honesty and trust was also discussed. I really liked what one person said about beginning with being centered in their own heart and speaking from that perspective. Living truthfully is tough but rewarding and can make things easier, even in a seemingly complex web of relationships.

Specific boundaries talked about included: being "out" -- different people have different degrees of comfort with this, TMI boundaries, either among partners or with other friends and family members with regard to poly and intimacy

Thank you all for a great discussion and please feel free to send suggestions to me for future topics. Ones I'm considering for next month are:

- What different types of poly relationships are there?
- How do we deal with jealousy, envy and get to compersion?
- Poly dating challenges