We had a fantastic poly discussion at our March meet, with almost twice the number of participants from the first meeting, in a wonderful space at Camas. I for one was delighted to meet so many diverse yet articulate and thoughtful people and to hear what all of you had to say about some very sensitive and tricky boundary issues. I also really enjoyed hearing about everyone's varied poly backgrounds and experiences. I can't wait for the next meet, which I'll announce for next month as soon as I figure out a date that works. I'm going to try to rebook at Camas for the time being since the space (and the yummy potluck) was so conducive to safe, relaxed conversation. I'm also considering ordering a poly uniform, possibly consisting of polyestery polypants and "Got Compersion?" t-shirts. Go, us!
I'm including some very brief notes from our discussion, mostly because although I meant to take actual notes I found I was enjoying listening raptly to what everyone said, so couldn't be bothered to write it down. Please feel free to post and add bits of what you remember to this.
We discussed what boundaries are: Are they rules? guidelines? flexible or dealbreakers? It was agreed that poly people like shades of grey.
How do we communicate boundaries? By setting aside specific time, picking good times to talk, continual communication and checking in and by being self-aware and flexible (because needs and opinions can change over time).
What boundaries work for you? Tailoring to each relationship, knowing our own needs and stating them clearly, working with a spectrum of responses to an issue, and the importance of firm boundaries so that everyone knows where they stand. Honesty and trust was also discussed. I really liked what one person said about beginning with being centered in their own heart and speaking from that perspective. Living truthfully is tough but rewarding and can make things easier, even in a seemingly complex web of relationships.
Specific boundaries talked about included: being "out" -- different people have different degrees of comfort with this, TMI boundaries, either among partners or with other friends and family members with regard to poly and intimacy
Thank you all for a great discussion and please feel free to send suggestions to me for future topics. Ones I'm considering for next month are:
- What different types of poly relationships are there?
- How do we deal with jealousy, envy and get to compersion?
- Poly dating challenges
Showing posts with label negotiating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label negotiating. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Dan's Yes to No Checklist for negotiating in poly relationships
This is a terrific discussion tool developed by a friend of mine and his wife. He was kind enough to share it with me so I could bring it to my discussion on Negotiations and Boundaries. Thanks, Dan!
A couple of years back, I developed this little communications tool to use in relationship negotiations.
The idea of the spectrum is that it gives a 1 to 10 rating of the intensity between "no" and "yes". It can be useful because not only will it help you gauge your own intensity, it can make it easier to express your position when you’re talking about an emotionally charged subject. So, here’s the scale:
1. "No, and I never want to talk about this again."
2. "No, but you could ask again in the future."
3. "No, but I can see a possible path towards yes, so let’s discuss it."
4. "No for today, but my mind is open. Let’s take our time and discuss it."
5. "No for today, but I am close to yes. Let’s talk about some remaining issues or obstacles."
6. "Yes, but I’m not comfortable with it."
7. "Yes, but with severe limitations that may not be what you want."
8. "Yes, within broad limits that you seem to be comfortable with."
9. "Yes, you have my blessing with no limits."
10. "Yes, and I’m actively encouraging you. Why are we still talking instead of acting?"
When you are afraid to ask your partner something, it’s typically because you think their answer will be #1. Maybe it will be. Personally, I think it’s worth asking and knowing rather than just assuming. If the answer is #3 or above, you can actually start talking about it.
It’s important to remember is that not all things require #10 to do. If I wanted to blow some money on a new camera, my partner might be at #6, but I would feel OK doing it anyway. However, if I wanted to get hand-fasted to another woman, I would need a #10 from my partner to feel OK doing it. Ultimately we decided that most actions and relationships in the poly realm require a #7 or #8 as the minimum to act.
It’s also important to understand that not everything will move up the scale into the "yes" range, and that’s OK. This is not a tool to persuade someone towards yes. It’s a tool to better communicate your position on a particular subject.
A couple of years back, I developed this little communications tool to use in relationship negotiations.
The idea of the spectrum is that it gives a 1 to 10 rating of the intensity between "no" and "yes". It can be useful because not only will it help you gauge your own intensity, it can make it easier to express your position when you’re talking about an emotionally charged subject. So, here’s the scale:
1. "No, and I never want to talk about this again."
2. "No, but you could ask again in the future."
3. "No, but I can see a possible path towards yes, so let’s discuss it."
4. "No for today, but my mind is open. Let’s take our time and discuss it."
5. "No for today, but I am close to yes. Let’s talk about some remaining issues or obstacles."
6. "Yes, but I’m not comfortable with it."
7. "Yes, but with severe limitations that may not be what you want."
8. "Yes, within broad limits that you seem to be comfortable with."
9. "Yes, you have my blessing with no limits."
10. "Yes, and I’m actively encouraging you. Why are we still talking instead of acting?"
When you are afraid to ask your partner something, it’s typically because you think their answer will be #1. Maybe it will be. Personally, I think it’s worth asking and knowing rather than just assuming. If the answer is #3 or above, you can actually start talking about it.
It’s important to remember is that not all things require #10 to do. If I wanted to blow some money on a new camera, my partner might be at #6, but I would feel OK doing it anyway. However, if I wanted to get hand-fasted to another woman, I would need a #10 from my partner to feel OK doing it. Ultimately we decided that most actions and relationships in the poly realm require a #7 or #8 as the minimum to act.
It’s also important to understand that not everything will move up the scale into the "yes" range, and that’s OK. This is not a tool to persuade someone towards yes. It’s a tool to better communicate your position on a particular subject.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)